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man page humour

Aug 28th, 2017
by Craig.
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Found this little nugget in the “find” man page recently:

A ‘%’ character followed by any other character is discarded, but the other character is printed (don’t rely on this, as further format characters may be introduced). A ‘%’ at the end of the format argument causes undefined behaviour since there is no following character. In some locales, it may hide your door keys, while in others it may remove the final page from the novel you are reading.

Reminds me of a T-shirt I have:

$> man woman
$> Segmentation fault (core dumped)

… like they do on the Discovery Channel

Nov 27th, 2010
by Craig.
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An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours’ dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a bitch that was in heat, and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep one night, the spinster was suddenly woken by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed down to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs appeared to be in pain, howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet, and after a few rings the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and able to withdraw from the bitch.”

“Oh. Do you think that will work?”

“Well, it just worked fine for me.”

A few flying jokes

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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  • Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist, the parachute.
  • If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?
  • Death is just nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
  • Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters — in that order — need two.
  • There are only three things the copilot should ever say: 1. Nice landing, sir. 2. I’ll buy the first round. 3. I’ll take the fat one.
  • As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will. 1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight. 2. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.
  • There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your aeroplane than you. Laws (of physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
  • About Rules: 1. The rules are a good place to hide if you don’t have a better idea and the talent to execute it. 2. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance — e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don’t hit the bridge.
  • The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
  • The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.
  • Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot’s day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.
  • Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!
  • He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
  • There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
  • The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.
  • Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.
  • Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
  • “If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.” –President, Delta Airlines.
  • In the Alaska bush I’d rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.
  • It’s not that all aeroplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying aeroplanes.
  • An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.
  • Airlines have really changed. Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant!
  • I’ve flown in both pilot seats; can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?
  • Son, you’re going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can’t do both.
  • There are only two types of aircraft: fighters and targets.
  • The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
  • You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you’re grateful.
  • They invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.
  • The FAA motto: We’re not happy ’til you’re not happy.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Divorced Barbie

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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Divorced Barbie.

Divorced Barbie.

One day a father is on his way home from work and he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks, “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer, one of Ken’s friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.”