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November, 2010:

Installing Zend Optimiser

Nov 28th, 2010
by Craig.
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I had a bit of an education on the confusing array of Zend products recently. A client needed Zend Optimizer (which, of course, Zend spells with a “z” to cater to the all-powerful American market) installed on their virtual private server (running Linux, of course), as the installation routine for a web application wouldn’t proceed without it. Fair enough. Some web applications are encoded so that they can’t be hacked (as opposed to cracked; see the difference), reverse engineered, modified, etc., and Zend Optimiser interprets the encoded PHP files so that they can run.

But I was confused. I thought Zend was installed with PHP by default. Turns out it’s Zend Engine that’s installed with PHP. So off I go to the interwebs to do some research. Take a look at these pages:

  • Zend Products: Here are listed Zend Server, Zend Server Cluster Manager, Zend Studio and Zend Guard — four products.
  • Zend Downloads: Here are listed Zend Server, Zend Server Cluster Manager, Zend Server Community Edition, Zend Studio, Zend Guard, Zend Optimizer, Zend Framework, Zend Core and Zend Platform. Phew! Nine products!

You don’t even see Zend Engine listed on either of the above pages, presumably because it’s installed with PHP by default.

So you click on Zend Optimiser and you’re presented with downloads for Zend Guard, Zend Optimiser and Zend Guard Loader. Huh? What’s what, where did Zend Guard Loader come from, and what is it?

Add to that that, in the back of my mind, I thought I had been down this road before on a different server that I’m sure already had a decoder installed. However, I figured out that I was probably thinking of Ioncube, and it had likely been installed with a control panel on that server.

Add further to that confusion the plethora of different instructions you find in a web search, some of which (including the “user guide” that is linked to right next to the Zend Optimizer download link) refer to an installation script which doesn’t exist in the download, and you can see why I was left scratching my head. At one point I even started following the RPM installation instructions on the Zend website, until I said to myself, “Wait a minute. This isn’t right.” Sure enough, those instructions were for a different Zend product.

The download does include what are referred to on some websites as “manual” installation instructions. They’re straightforward, but the confusing array of different options out there threw me off. In the end, the “manual” instructions did indeed work — and given the choice I’d prefer them anyway — and took all of about three minutes, far less time than I had already wasted.

… like they do on the Discovery Channel

Nov 27th, 2010
by Craig.
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An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours’ dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a bitch that was in heat, and the neighbour’s dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep one night, the spinster was suddenly woken by awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed down to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs appeared to be in pain, howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next. Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet, and after a few rings the rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and able to withdraw from the bitch.”

“Oh. Do you think that will work?”

“Well, it just worked fine for me.”

Bizarre Virgin Mobile Terms and Conditions of Service

Nov 25th, 2010
by Craig.
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Occasionally I feel that I really must address my insomnia by reading the mounds of legalese shoved in my face every time I want to do anything in this modern society of ours. This is particularly important where money is involved, of course, which means all of the mindless EULAs (end user licence agreements) that I’m presented with when installing software generally get skipped. Fortunately I have an old computer that I try out new software on first, so if I missed the part in an EULA that says the software manufacturer can install viruses on my computer, it’s not a big deal because the old computer is just for testing, doesn’t contain any sensitive or important data, and can be reformatted at a moment’s notice without any hesitation.

Anyway, back to legal agreements involving money. Back in 2007 I bought a Virgin Mobile Canada cell phone. I stopped using their service a few months later because I cancelled my planned move to the new area code where I got the phone, and I gave the phone to a friend. At the time I noticed some rather bizarre wording in their “Terms and Conditions of Service”. However, as we all know, you either bend over and agree, or go and live in a cave.

Fast forward a couple of years and I bought a cell phone as a present for someone, and I decided to go with Virgin again. Another year later and I’m again looking at the “Terms and Conditions of Service”. The bizarre wording has survived at least three years, unchallenged (I assume) by anyone with the time, interest and money to pursue what surely must be a serious privacy issue. (I have the interest, but neither the time nor the money.)

Here’s the bizarre wording (which I have truncated and annotated), from the “About Content Provided By You” section:

Any Content transmitted through or to the Services by you will be considered non-confidential and non-proprietary. [Fair enough, I suppose. This is a cover-your-arse sentence in case someone manages to intercept your “content”. If I was a government spy, I’m sure my employer would give me a super secret phone that would ensure that my “content” remained confidential.] … Virgin Mobile, its Suppliers and designees will be free to copy, disclose, distribute, incorporate and otherwise use the Content and all data, images, sounds, text, and other things embodied therein for any and all commercial or non-commercial purposes. [Whoa! Seriously?! So those naked pics I sent my girlfriend are fair game, and I can expect to see them published by Virgin in a glossy magazine at some point? And what about those steamy phone conversations when I’m away from home? Broadcast on radio and television?!] You agree to grant to Virgin Mobile a non-exclusive, royalty-free, worldwide, perpetual license, with the right to sublicense, reproduce, distribute, transmit, create derivative works of, or publicly display any Content submitted, transmitted or posted by you through or on the Services. [Hey, if you’re going to make me a reluctant porn star, at least cough up some of the dough you’ll be making off of me!]

Now, I think it’s safe for any reasonable person to assume that no sane company is going to start trawling though billions of their customers’ inane text messages — and, I might add, the “content” sent to the “services” by non-customers who have not consented to these terms — collecting the more salacious ones to make into a coffee table book. However, if Virgin were to go insane and do so, guess what? You (and I) agreed to it!

Welcome to the modern, civilised world.

Delicious butter chicken

Nov 17th, 2010
by Craig.
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There’s an Indian restaurant in Vancouver that makes the most delicious butter chicken I’ve ever tasted. (That restaurant is “The Original Tandoori Kitchen Restaurant” at 689 East 65th Avenue, just off of Fraser Street. I’ve always just referred to it as the Tandoori King, but it seems there are numerous other restaurants with very similar names.) That said, I’m a white guy, so for all I know it’s something they concocted for Western taste buds. Regardless, it’s very good. Even though I like my curries hot, I always order the butter chicken medium or even mild, as I just like the flavour so much I don’t want the heat to get in the way.

I did try making butter chicken myself once from a recipe I found somewhere, but it was crap, and I’ve stopped ordering butter chicken in other restaurants because it doesn’t hold a candle to what is, for me, the original. However, courtesy of a friend (Steve) I now have a recipe that is damn good. Try it. You can find it at AllRecipes.com.

Update, 3 February 2011: After being informed that this restaurant had apparently closed, I drove by to check for myself. There is still an Indian restaurant there, but it’s definitely not under the same name, and the awning has changed. In its place is the “Tandoori Raj Restaurant, The Original”. (Just about all of these tandoori restaurants seem to claim to be “the original”, even the ones that opened last week!) I have no idea if it’s owned or run by the same people that owned or ran the old place, or if their butter chicken is anything like the one I used to enjoy there.

I did eat at another place with the word “tandoori” (and probably the word “original” too!) in the name in Surrey recently. The food there was served in dishes identical to those of the place on 65th, and they claimed to be affiliated with the place that is or was on 65th. I sampled the butter chicken that someone else in the party had ordered and it was good. However, I had ordered something else for my own meal and we were in a bit of a hurry, so I can’t really say I gave it my full attention to come up with a definitive (for me) opinion of it.

Update, 13 October 2011: We ate at the place mentioned above in Surrey again over the long weekend (yes, it’s called “Original Tandoori King”), and this time I did order the butter chicken. While it was good, it wasn’t delicious and was nowhere near as good as I remember it at the place on 65th. I’ll stick to my own, and order something else next time I’m there.

Update, 3 May 2012: Coming back to this post months later, I am reminded that I saw a news item saying that this place had burnt down, or had at least been extensively damaged by fire, several months ago. There were actually two “original” tandoori restaurants in this building. If they’re rebuilt, presumably they will still be “original”! 🙂

Happy birthday Sandra!

Nov 16th, 2010
by Craig.
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Sandra Davison, Christmas 2002.

Sandra.

Dear Sandra,

You would have been 52 today. Happy birthday!

Love, Craig

A few flying jokes

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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  • Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist, the parachute.
  • If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage helicopter fly-ins?
  • Death is just nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed.
  • Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters — in that order — need two.
  • There are only three things the copilot should ever say: 1. Nice landing, sir. 2. I’ll buy the first round. 3. I’ll take the fat one.
  • As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will. 1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight. 2. One day you will walk out to the aircraft not knowing that it is your last flight.
  • There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your aeroplane than you. Laws (of physics) were ordained by nature. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
  • About Rules: 1. The rules are a good place to hide if you don’t have a better idea and the talent to execute it. 2. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance — e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don’t hit the bridge.
  • The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
  • The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.
  • Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot’s day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.
  • Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full!
  • He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
  • There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
  • The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits.
  • Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys, but not for those who still are.
  • Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
  • “If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.” –President, Delta Airlines.
  • In the Alaska bush I’d rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa.
  • It’s not that all aeroplane pilots are good-looking. Just that good-looking people seem more capable of flying aeroplanes.
  • An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe.
  • Airlines have really changed. Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant!
  • I’ve flown in both pilot seats; can someone tell me why the other one is always occupied by an idiot?
  • Son, you’re going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can’t do both.
  • There are only two types of aircraft: fighters and targets.
  • The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
  • You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you’re grateful.
  • They invented wheelbarrows to teach FAA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.
  • The FAA motto: We’re not happy ’til you’re not happy.
  • Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The Crash of United Flight 232, transcript of a talk by Captain Al Haynes

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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United Airlines flight 232 on approach. Courtesy NTSB, public domain.

United Airlines flight 232 on approach. (NTSB.)

I’ve had this transcript available on my website since 1998, if the date stamps on the files are correct. It was a remarkable story in 1989, and it’s still a remarkable story today.

Perhaps I will, at some point, integrate the HTML version of the transcript into this site properly. In the meantime, it’s available in six different file formats below, some of which (especially the Envoy file) are pretty darn ancient:

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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In the process of moving content from my old website to this, I’ve updated my travel maps. Have a look! 🙂

Divorced Barbie

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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Divorced Barbie.

Divorced Barbie.

One day a father is on his way home from work and he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?”

The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.”

The amazed father asks, “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers, “Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer, one of Ken’s friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.”

Did you hear the one about the moving stop sign?

Nov 15th, 2010
by Craig.
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A moving stop sign?

A moving stop sign?

Who knew that road signs will come to you, rather than you going to them? Apparently this is the way things work in the US state of Massachusetts!

(Courtesy of boston.com.)

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